Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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