I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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