my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
