I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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