i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
