i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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