She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My vagina just recognized that song.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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