Is it normal to miss your booty call?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
