I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
