Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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