I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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