Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
