is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
