I cannot find my penis.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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