yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
