Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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