just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
