I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
