He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
