My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
