if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
