Im at strip club and am horny
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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