chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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