that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
