well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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