I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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