apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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