i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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