My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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