bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
