it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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