the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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