Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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