five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
