Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
