i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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