i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
