you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
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