We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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