if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Your penis caused this!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
