i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
