Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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