Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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