It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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