If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
