who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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