Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
