I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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