Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
