I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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